When School Doesn’t Fit: A Foster and Adoptive Mom’s Guide to Educational Options

Many children in foster care or adoptive families struggle in school. Two of the biggest barriers to learning are trauma and prenatal exposure to substances. Children who’ve experienced trauma often don’t feel safe — and felt safety is foundational for learning. Prenatal exposure, especially to alcohol, impacts brain development and affects memory, impulse control, and emotional regulation.

Because of these factors, our kids often struggle in traditional educational systems that aren’t built with their needs in mind. As parents, we’re left wondering: Which school option is best — public, private, or homeschool?

The truth is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Every child’s needs, strengths, and developmental stage are different. My best advice is to pray for wisdom and consider your child’s unique situation and brain-based differences.

Questions to Consider

Before choosing an educational path, ask yourself:

• Has my child experienced trauma or prenatal substance exposure?

• What are their primary symptoms (neurological differences) and secondary symptoms (behaviors that develop from frustration or misunderstanding)?

• What are their learning styles and strengths?

• Does their current environment offer appropriate supports and accommodations?

Remember, what works in one season may not work in another. A child who thrives in public school in third grade may need something different by ninth. Our children’s needs — and brains — change as they grow.

Public School: Structure and Support

Public schools can be a good option, especially when districts offer strong special education services. Most provide Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) that outline specific goals, supports, and accommodations. Services like speech, occupational, and physical therapy can be built right into a student’s day.

A structured environment often benefits neurodivergent kids. Social opportunities, vocational training, and life-skills programs are additional strengths.

After several years of homeschooling, my sons — both diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FASD) and ADHD — transitioned into public school. Our district offered a 12:1:1 classroom (twelve students, one teacher, one assistant), allowing for individualized attention.

My older son attended from ninth through twelfth grade and even completed a vocational program, graduating with a Career Development and Occupational Studies (CDOS) certificate. It was a great fit until senior year, when peer pressure around substances became an issue, and we decided to withdraw him.

My younger son thrived in the same program until COVID-19 restrictions disrupted his mental health. We returned to homeschooling, which brought him peace and stability again.

Challenges in Public School

Despite its benefits, public education often struggles to meet the needs of kids with brain-based differences. Most teachers are not FASD-informed, and traditional behavior or cognitive learning theories can be counterproductive.

Children with FASD have difficulty processing cause-and-effect, remembering instructions, and controlling impulses. Systems based on rewards and punishments don’t work — and can actually worsen behaviors.

Our kids also tend to be developmentally younger than their peers. Grouping by age can lead to frustration, poor self-esteem, and social isolation. Sensory overload from noisy hallways, cafeterias, and assemblies can add to the stress.

By the time they get home, their brains are exhausted. Homework becomes a battle — not because they won’t do it, but because they can’t. Forcing more learning after school often ends in meltdowns and disconnection.

Still, for many families — especially those fostering — public school may be the only feasible option. In those cases, it’s vital for parents to be trauma- and FASD-informed and to educate the educators about what our children truly need.

Private or Christian School: Faith and Flexibility

Some families choose Christian education for its Bible-based curriculum and smaller class sizes. These schools often foster strong parent-teacher relationships and provide safe, values-aligned environments.

I enrolled four of my children — three biological and one adopted through kinship — in a small Christian school. I loved the faith foundation and personal attention. My biological children thrived, but my daughter struggled.

At the time, I didn’t realize her challenges were rooted in FASD and developmental delays. She often missed recess as a consequence for not completing work or following directions. What I saw as disobedience was actually her brain’s difficulty processing verbal instructions and remembering assignments. She wasn’t being defiant — she was overwhelmed.

The Downside

Smaller schools typically lack the funding and staff to provide comprehensive special education services. Therapies (speech, occupational, physical) may technically come from the public district, but coordination often breaks down.

In many Christian schools, behavior is viewed as a moral issue rather than a neurological one. Punitive discipline, even when well-intentioned, can harm children who are already struggling. As parents, we need to advocate gently but firmly for understanding and grace in these settings.

Homeschooling: Flexibility and Connection

For many foster and adoptive families, homeschooling becomes the best fit — especially when traditional environments lead to repeated suspensions, expulsions, or escalating behaviors.

When schools misinterpret symptoms of brain-based differences as “bad behavior,” children end up punished for things their brains simply can’t do. Homeschooling gives parents the freedom to tailor education to their child’s strengths, pace, and sensory needs.

When my youngest son returned to homeschooling at fifteen, I built lessons around his love for math and real-world problem solving. We practiced budgeting, grocery shopping, and banking using hands-on curricula. He learned life skills and regained confidence.

The Benefits

• Customized learning: Parents can teach to their child’s learning style — visual, auditory, or kinesthetic — and adjust the pace as needed.

• Safe, low-stress environment: You control distractions, sensory input, and social exposure.

• Faith integration: Families can freely weave biblical principles into daily learning.

• Flexible scheduling: On “off” days, when focus or mood is low, you can take breaks, explore nature, or learn through play.

If your child has an IEP, try to maintain services while homeschooling. When my son was younger, we kept his therapies by taking him to the school twice a week — a bit of juggling, but worth it.

Many parents report that behavioral struggles decrease dramatically once their child leaves the traditional classroom. Without constant stress, connection grows — and learning follows naturally.

Of course, homeschooling requires sacrifice. It can be demanding, especially for parents juggling jobs or multiple kids. But I’ve seen families flourish after making the leap. Sometimes, stepping out in faith to homeschool can be the very thing that saves a child’s heart and a family’s peace.

If you feel God nudging you in that direction, reach out for support. Local homeschool groups, online communities like Homeschooling the FASD Way, and other adoptive families can help you take those first steps. You are not alone.

Final Thoughts: Education That Fits the Child

Education should be student-centered and strengths-based, not a one-size-fits-all system. Our neurodiverse children need environments that nurture their unique ways of learning, not punish them for being different.

When kids feel misunderstood, they often become anxious, angry, or withdrawn — signs that the system is a poor fit. If your child’s current environment is causing daily frustration, stress,  or even aggression,  it may be time to prayerfully explore another path.

Every child is different, and God gives us the wisdom we need for each season. Whether your child thrives in public school, finds belonging in a faith-based classroom, or flourishes at home, the goal remains the same: to create a place where they feel safe, seen, and supported.

Because when our children feel safe — that’s when they truly begin to learn.